I wish I could quiet my mind!! It is just raging right now, trapping me in constant thought and not relinquishing! I am not talking in a schizo or psychotic way, I mean like in a way that I am so lost and out of sorts that it just won't let me stop to breath! It has been about a month since the stress started hitting me (my complexion is proof of that) but it was a couple weeks ago that after a VERY rough day at work, that reality stepped in and I realized I had to move on, and find what I am supposed to be doing out there, in the big cruel world. Most of you who know me know this isn't really a surprise, knowing that where I am at in life (mentally and physically) isn't exactly fulfilling, but it has certainly given me opportunities that I have always tried to take advantage of. What changed though is that my heart, mind and my consciousness (also known as the hold out!) are all screaming at me now.....Where do I go? What do I do? This is my problem, this is my dilemma. So if you see me and I don't seem overly happy, or preoccupied please understand I am trying to plan out my entire life and future and it just doesn't seem to be working out to well. In an ideal world I would find the rewind button! However, what I can't go back and fix/change I need to go forward and adjust!!! I know I need to take a leap, and just jump, but where am I jumping?!?!?! to jump without an intended landing place seems a bit ummmm reckless, careless, immature, stupid!!! So I have been thinking about joining the Peace Corp. but to be honest that scares the sh*t out of me, not enough that I don't stop thinking about it over, and over, and over again all day and all night until I can finally sleep. Most people have been supportive of the thoughts leaving me to be an antagonist to the idea. I had a great conversation with my friend that was the first realistic conversation I have had about it. We talked about worms and diarrhea and squatting to go to the bathroom, and skin infections and insects, it felt good to talk about it, the real experiences not just the fluff version! So I have my application filled out half way, and keep feeling that this is the best way to shake things up in my life, as well as be able to put myself in the path of a career I would want to pursue, and a masters degree, as well as leaving a footprint (albeit small) in the world, but do I really want to do this? Part of me thinks I should just go to graduate school. I just don't know what to do with myself..............................This is definitely an almost 30 pre-mid life crisis, crisis!!!!
I feel so much better having laid it all out there. Well not all of it, but you get the gist of it....
3 comments:
I wholey support the idea of you joining the Peace Corps and think it would be a GREAT step in the direction you'd like to head. It would also look FABULOUS on a grad school application and most likely would help you figure out what you would want to study in a grad program.
I'm always here to bounce ideas off of.
Firstly, I think that if you "plan out your whole life" you are going to be disappointing and even more stressed when life doesn't go as planned, which, it will 100% for sure do.
The Peace Corps is an idea, but so is volunteering regularly with The Boys and Girls Club, or a food bank, or at the Red Cross, or as a teachers aid at a grade school. Or, learning a language. I think grad school is a good means to an end, but it's not an end. If you are thinking going to grad school will solve the dilemma it will only work until you graduate.
Rent out your house and move to Portland for a few months. If you need to go to Vegas for the weekend to help you figure things out.... I'm open. :)
Jumping is so hard, but when you finally get the courage to do whatever it is you need to do, you're going to be great.
Morgan is right about over planning and grad school as a means to an end, and I like what Lindsey said about the Peace Corps helping you decide where you want to go next with grad school.
We all love you!
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