I have been running through different ideas and clever ways to address the issue that it has been almost a year since my last blog post. But I couldn't come up with anything, so, sooorry about that. To be honest and blunt, I didn't really feel like it. Sometimes I didn't feel like I could be as honest as I wanted to be, and sometimes I just couldn't really put the words down that were what I wanted to say. I still don't know if I can, but, and not to be to melodramatic about it all, I realized that while this is my personal experience it is also a collective effort, and for me not to share that with friends, family and other prospective volunteers is a little selfish. Before I applied for Peace Corps and all through the application process I read so many blogs of volunteers because I wanted to read about their experiences, the good, the bad and the ugly. I don't even know if anyone will read my blog, especially since it has been so long since my last post, but I'll take my chances and put one out there any way.
I have 2 months left in my volunteer service. It feels so weird to be saying that. I can't even imagine what that will be like as the time gets closer. This has been a great experience in my life, incredibly challenging and I am happy to say, rewarding. There is a lot that I still am not sure how to put into words. Maybe after this experience it will become more clear. My first year is pretty well summed up as a war within myself. It was often a battle between staying or going, and how to find happiness and what in the heck I was doing here and searching for in all of this. It was a huge challenge to get out of my own head. Thankfully, I had great support from friends and family, Bulgarians and Americans. My second year has been a whole different ball game. There were times (mostly in the winter) that I started to get back into that unhealthy head space, but for the most part it was marked by progress and acceptance. Progress in my language, my service and friendships with people in my community and other volunteers. Acceptance for where I was and what I was doing. I would also have to say letting go was the second part of the acceptance process. Letting go of things that I can't change and have no control over changing. Letting go of any resentment for people not doing what they said they were going to do and letting go of a lot of stress or anxiety about life here and what I will do when I go back home. Which in case any of you were wondering is a really good way to freak out a lot of volunteers when they are near the end of their service or have returned home, ask them "what are you going to do now"?
I am so happy that I joined the Peace Corps and I am elated that (knock on wood) I will have successfully completed my two years of service. I am grateful to all the people who have accepted me, loved me, taken care of me, and who I am so lucky to call friends. I have seen things I didn't think were possible, the best and worst of human nature, the prettiest and ugliest sites, the most open and loving people with some of the most negative mindsets. I am ready for this experience to come to a close because I am ready for my next move, whatever that may be. As this comes to a close other experiences become open to me. I am not worried about what will face me when I get home or what I will end up doing next because life is about figuring it out and the experiences of those challenges.
